Me: As soon as I said "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE" and reached to turn it off, Jonathan Groff's name came up in the credits.
Brother: They've really mastered the art of Stockholm Syndrome, haven't they?
Me: And then the next credit was "Special Appearance By Perez Hilton" so I'm back to "Why do I do this?!"
Brother: Get out. Now.
Me: AHHH BUT NOW IT'S GROFF AND RACHEL AND NOW FINN CAME OVER IS LIKE WUTZGOINGONHERE WHYUTALKIN2MYGURL AND I JUST WANT TO READ RAUNCHY FANFIC ABOUT THIS NOW.
Brother: ...right.
Me: SORRY YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
Brother: I'm not.
Me: OK, so it's like if non-junkie Midge came back and was all like HAY DON HAY and then Megan was all like WTF WHYUTALKING2MYGURL and then the world would be like OMZ YAY let's read online stories about that where these people say even more stuff to each other and then possibly have sexytimes.
Brother: Hmm.
Me: And now I'm just wondering if there is a crossover fic where Santana and Joan go around fiercing it up and judging people.
Brother: I WILL HELP YOU WRITE THAT IF IT DOESN'T ALREADY EXIST.
Me: I know I promised I wouldn't text you about this show anymore but I just need you to know that all of a sudden Sue & Coach Bieste are BFFs and everyone is crying and hugging and learning because Coach Bieste's husband hit her and she literally just said "if I leave, no one else will ever love me!" and I'm like geez you guys because of course this is all mixed in with shenanigans about Kurt and Rachel auditioning for Whoopi Goldberg wearing some snazzy headwrap and I just looked at the screen and Kurt is wearing gold pants and kicking on top of a piano and ugh.
Bro: That is all kinds of gross.
Me: And now everyone is singing Florence to Coach Bieste of course. And everyone is crying. Ugh. But Naya Rivera tho.
Bro: I told you, whenever Naya Rivera is featured it's like they're trying to make a bargain with you so that you'll keep watching. Don't buy into it.
Me: Now Lea Michele is cry-singing/ruining a way-important-to-my-personal-canon Kelly Clarkson song which is supposed to be about a super gut-wrenching breakup but she is apparently singing it because she biffed the audition for Broadway College or whatever the hell. So she's like breaking up with her dreams then? IT'S SO STUPID WHY DO THEY LIKE RUINING THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO ME.
Bro: ....
Me: OMG I DIDN'T LOOK AT THE CREDITS BEFORE. WRITTEN BY MARTI NOXON. AND SOMEHOW THIS WAS DIRECTED BY THE SAME GENTLEMAN WHO DIRECTED SUNDAY'S MAD MEN. WTF HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE.
Bro: Well I'm sure lots of TV people have to do pulp fiction on the side for money. Whatevs. Times are tough.
Me: Oh you mean because AMC had to give all their money to Matt Weiner and Glen so now they can't afford to pay their directors and stuff?
Bro: Come on. Lulz @ "Matt Weiner and Glen" though.
Me: Let's not do this, I think I'd actually rather talk about Glee ruining my life than talk about Glen right before bedtime.
Bro: What an iconic creep that kid is. Good for him.
Me: Matt Weiner must actually really hate his son though because he is effectively ruining his life. Like no one will ever take him seriously now, he is forever Glen and he's only like 14.
Bro: No. Or probably. But he could just play creepy people for the rest of his life. I could see him like being the new Steve Buscemi.
Me: So this not a burn, just a comment but like that entire Mad Men episode was some sort of fan fic.
Brother: ...Yeah... I think you may be right. That makes it easier to get a grip on.
Me: It's some DEEP fan fic. But good for the Harry/Don shippers I guess.
Brother: Well I mainly meant the dramatic stuff. I mean come on, the Harry/Don stuff was some of the best stuff ever. Maybe even topping Don and Lane hitting the tizzown.
Me: NOTHING WILL EVER TOP THE 20 MINUTE SAD BROMANCE OF LANE AND DON. But no I meant the entire episode like Fat Betty and the rando zippy new guy and Roger and Pete being total bitches to each other and Don talking to teenagers at a Stones concert.
Brother: Bwahahahaha @ all that. OK yes we are on the same page. Srs tho Don and Harry you guys.
Me: Don should just spend the rest of the series in the land of bewildered disdain. Doesn't matter who is the cause: Pete, Roger, Harry, various secretaries, his young bride etc.
Brother: OMZ THE SECRETARY IS NAMED DAWN. Is that fan fic or genius?
Me: Well Miss Blankenship was the ultimate fan fic and look how amazing that turned out.
-- Actual Conversation About The Actual Movie And Content Of The Trailer --
Brother: So anyway do we hope that Fassy and Charlize make out?
Me: ....
Brother: She's like "Rita corny Michael" and then he's like "Pants were never an option"
Me: OMG YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON FOREVER. YOU NEED A TUMBLR. MAKE A MEME OF THIS. HAVE IT ON MY DASH BY TOMORROW MORNING.
We make it to Season 5 with almost no official merchandise and now we’re releasing iTunes singles? Father Gill didn’t get on iTunes! Where’s my Ken Cosgrove Kindle single? Where’s my special edish vinyl of Joan’s accordion song or my “Peggy does the twist” workout video?
Me, via text, trolling my brother about Mad Men’s “Zou Bisou Bisou” single, which he refuses to acknowledge is ridiculous but come on guys, it totally is.
Really though, Adele, you actually DON’T want someone like him because it was his unique characteristics that led to the downfall of the relationship, and I realize that your point is then the madness and contradictions and irrational turmoil of love, but there are more concrete ways of expressing that, so for now I’m resigned to just saying the whole thing is too thoughtless for me to care.
Brother: Remember the other day on HIMYM when there was a somewhat prolonged montage of various instances of violence throughout the show's entire run, set to "Murder Train"?
Me: YES. OMG THAT REMINDS ME, I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU - 11-11-11 IS TRULY A MAGICAL DAY: JASON SEGEL HAS FINALLY JOINED TWITTER
Brother: WHAT DO WE DO?!?! TELL HIM TO TALK ABOUT "MURDER TRAIN"!
Me: I'm sure I wouldn't be the first person.
Brother: Because people are awesome. TELL HIM HE SHOULD SING "MURDER TRAIN". WITH PAUL RUDD. ON CHRISTMAS. AT NIGHT. POSSIBLY WITH EMILY BLUNT AND/OR ALISON BRIE.
Me: WHY ARE YOU SAYING SUCH DANGEROUSLY AMAZING THINGS? YOU KNOW THAT'S ALL COMPLETELY WITHIN THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY. We are being so creepy right now.
Brother: Not really. I think. Okay, maybe. But whatever. NO, I'M TOTALLY COMFORTABLE.
Me: I am watching Glee and it is the "EVERYONE HAS SEX" episode and it's only been on for 5 minutes and Artie is already asking Coach Bieste why she is a virgin WAT AM I WATCHING?
Brother: What the hell is this like John Waters or... I can't think of any other references that aren't European people...
Me: THIS STRANGER BITCH CHARACTER IS HORRIBLY WRITTEN AND NEEDS TO JUST CALM DOWN IN GENERAL
Brother: Have they said that guy's name yet because with the way that show is written, I wouldn't be surprised if his name was in fact, "Stranger Bitch".
Me: IT'S "SEBASTIAN" BECAUSE HE'S ALL FANCY AND EXCITING APPARENTLY.
Me: I swear like 80% of this episode so far has been about some random football scout trying to ask out Coach Bieste. No one cares, where is all the forbidden teen sex for the PTC to be mad at? Mr. Schue hasn't even been on. There's been like 1 song. Wat is happening?
Brother: It's like they were test-filming or something and it accidentally got put out as an episode.
Me: LMAO THAT'S WHAT EVERY EPISODE OF THIS SHOW IS LIKE DUDE.
Me: OK SEBASTIAN THE STRANGER BITCH IS TAKING KURT AND BLAINE OUT TO A GAY BAR BECAUSE THIS SHOW DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AND HE IS WEARING SOME POLO SHIRT WITH THE COLLAR PULLED UP LIKE HE IS JAKE RYAN OR SOME SHIT. WAT IS THIS.
Brother: Fan-fic?
Me: NOW BLAINE IS DRUNK AND JUST TRIED TO GET RAPEY WITH KURT IN THE PARKING LOT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING AND I AM HYSTERICAL AND THIS IS SUCH A WEIRD FAN-FIC BUT LIKE ONE I WOULDN'T EVEN CLICK ON.
Brother: Well at least now they are back in the promised land of dirty teen intrigue.
Me: It's basically impossible to listen to this album and not picture something like a baby lamb and a duck decorating a Christmas tree with jelly beans and cupcakes on top of a cloud.
Brother: Heh. That sounds enticingly accurate.
Me: And obviously Santa Claus himself is watching that scene and he's drinking a Coke whilst a single tear slowly rolls down his rosy cheek.
